found this looking back through the stuff i save on my e-mail drafts.
not very long ago.
i thought it was interesting.

---

july 18, early early night-morning

i feel funny. almost like i'm nervous.
like my soul is on vibrate and someone keeps calling.
i must be in love.
it's too bad i don't have anybody to be in love with.
it can't be possible.

my emotional black hole keeps sucking all sorts of stuff from my extremities and i think it made a few holes,
'cause i feel cold fast air rushing through my sternum. i'm gonna cry, i'm so lonely.
my logical support system says it's sex so i look up romance stories.
stupid every freakin' one is about sex and dirty people and beaches and filth.
i want something quiet, a deaf, blaring beauty.
a city romance, wild, thirsty, lost cold teenagers caught up in the crescending rush of life and music and drunkenness.
but always with time to say shhh, and think about how pretty one another's eyes are.
i can't believe some people have sex without kissing.
that the bitches prepare for that kind of thing.
schedule in their evening fuck right between the drugstore visit and a sober ride home.
sex isn't what i need.
i just need not to be alone.
is there not anyone else in the world who has been alone and lonely?
and didn't write shit songs about it?
i really can't take this solitude anymore. i need some emotional support. i need to touch.
i need my soul to break and my heart to glow and race and to sneeze in the sacred face of an unpredictable provider. who will take me by surprise and scare me like a good long fall on the swing. thrills of fear and sneeze sneeze sneeze hormones.
very very candid face. i never want to get bored.
and so scared and playful.
not alone, but in groups and threes and school masses.
always awkward and subtle. ambiguity marking hidden embarassment coupled with the thrill of action.
touches lasting just short enough and recorded and tracked and supervised by your steady conscious
while you laugh and are nonchalant and a lying, deceiving, cool, cool mess to the onlooking.
and at night when your head meets the pillow the cork pops out all over again and your mind is stuck on replay, replay, replay....
and you forget the face every time it's away, remembering only that you panicked at the sight of it, a panic of joy and precipice, and wanting to feel that again. craving to see this source of explosive breathstoppingness that your deluded mind is convinced it's a virgin to while your eyes know better.

Yeah, so. I'm back. What'd you expect?

i'm going on hiatus.
i don't know for how long, but for a while.
my groundement was the reason for my absence this past week,
but i'm starting to like being less dependent on the computer.
maybe someday i'll be able to leave it altogether.
(but that's like way freakin' far into the future.)
anyway, for now, please don't message me or anything like that,
or at least don't expect any response; the comments on this are
the last things i'm gonna look at, besides the messages i have
right now.

okay, bye everyone.

Stolen from . I added a few of my own because I don't like to sleep right now. The rules are to find thumbs that answer all the questions. I am surprisingly not tech-savvy for my generation, and therefore I have no idea what thumbs are. I will post pictures. I think it's the same thing.

1. the age I will be on my next birthday
:thumb44394950:
15, but no quince.

2. a place I'd like to travel
:thumb59263130:
just all over the freakin' road.
America is a wonderland when you
forget about the rapists and the
stoplights.

3. my favorite place
:thumb33833012:
the beautiful hippie land of Asheville, NC.

4. my favorite object
:thumb77989455:

5. my favorite food
:thumb121468358:

6. my favorite animal
:thumb25815948:

7. my favorite color
:thumb107257458:

8. the town/state/etc where I live
:thumb64857484:

9. name of past pet
:thumb89836536:
Spatzi was my favorite mousie (one of)

10. a dream come true
:thumb113163436:
to have a son just like him.

11. my nickname
:thumb34760901:
although to gaby it's
Captain Nakypants or Nako
or something.

12. my middle name
:thumb70810427: :thumb81262122: :thumb50310468:

13. my favorite smell
:thumb129559682:

14. bad habit of mine
:thumb7737385:

15. my first job
:thumb26564958:
licking envelopes for
five bucks a sitting.

16. my favorite movie
:thumb46677175:
among others.

17. what I am doing right now
:thumb39266440:

18. what's the weather like
:thumb12236389:

19. Favorite sport
:thumb86869838:
(poker.)

20. favorite music/style/band
:thumb20683164: :thumb96112033: :thumb31658687: :thumb100046384: :thumb19946117:
etc.

21. my biggest hobby
:thumb75832654:
feeling. feeling it all flow in and out and slosh all over the damn place, getting everything stained and tainted and wet and heavy and glorious.

my mom made me do pushups again today as a punishment. 32 pushups and 45 sit-ups. i mean, really i thought she was over that whole excercise-will-break-you-down-and-teach-you-respect-and-how-not-to-be-an-ungrateful-mouthy-sonofabitch-child thing when all this friction between us slowed down, but apparently not. apparently we were just in some resting period between outbreaks of my bad behavior. because obviously she only punishes me with something stupid when i do something extra horribly bad. like tell her that she doesn't listen to me. or correct her.

anyway, now i have this funny icky feeling in my abs like some sort of pallette (sp?) of muscle over my pelvis has been replaced with a rock, and i'll tell you, being buff is not all Bally Total Fitness has cracked it up to be. it feels like i've got my period and i'm tied to a stake whilst some little third grader with excellent aim is throwing some decent-sized rocks at my stomach. and i would know how those rocks feel 'cause in third grade i got hit in the back of the head with one while i was sitting on the climby rainbow.

so thanks a truckload, mommy.